19w+4 - It's a boy!!!

A catch up is definitely in order here!  Well a little while ago, I had a very minor bleed but got sent to the ER to have it checked out after it hadn't stopped after a few days.  I was put on total bed rest until it stopped, which took about a week and was very boring!  Ever since, everything's been just fine.

Our sonographer told us it was a boy at the scan I had at 13 weeks but at our last Ob visit, at 19 weeks, he confirmed that we are indeed having a boy.

My husband and I decided today to start measuring my bump.  So today (December 24th), at my widest, I'm 34 inches around.  I think normally I'm 26 or 28, something like that.

Anyway, wishing all a very Merry Christmas!!!

14w+1 - bleeds

I'm onto my third bleed this pregnancy.  The first one was a two day implantation bleed which was super exciting.  The second one was only a wipe after dtd with hubby so that didn't worry me.  And yesterday I'd been feeling a bit crampy on and off all day and around 9:30pm I went to the bathroom, not feeling well after having pizza for dinner, and I had some pink blood on the paper.  The sent my OB a text and he said nothing to worry about it, it happens, but to let him know about any more bleeds.  I woke up at 4am needing to wee and there was slightly heavier brown on the paper.  Thankfully this morning there was barely there pink, so hopefully it's on its way out, though I am slightly crampy this morning.  But I'm going to basically have a day in front of the tv with my feet up just to be sure.  As my husband said last night, there's no point in pushing myself and risking anything as it's been so hard just to get where we are.  I am so thankful for my Doppler though as I checked last night and this morning and baby's heart is still thumping away - I think I'd be completely freaking out if I didn't know.  Fingers crossed it is just one of those bleeds.  That said, last night was also the first time that my gums bled a little when I brushed my teeth before bed.  Maybe it's just my increased blood volume overflowing a bit.  haha.  It's scary though.

13w+5 - OB appointment

I had my first proper OB appointment today and I'm to have them monthly from now on.  He weighed me (shoes and all), took my blood pressure & had a quick look at baby.  Our wee man was still wriggling and jumping around and the Dr showed me baby's little man bits.  The Dr was really happy with the results of my scan and said that everything was looking really good.  He also gave me a new multivitamin to replace the current British multivitamin and the separate 5mg of folic acid that I'm taking.  This new one's got 1mg of folic acid and 150mg of iron, which is great because I'm soooo sleepy all the time.

13w+2 - NT scan

Ooops, I meant to post this on Saturday.  I was really nervous about this scan in case there was something wrong, but the Dr measured absolutely everything and everything is well within the normal ranges. He said at my age you start out with about a 1 in 170 chance of a baby with Downs but with my results it's going to be way better than that. So a big huge sigh of relief and oh it was just such an amazing scan. Baby looks like a proper person now and was sooooo active, we were in there for ages trying to get baby in the right position for all the measurements but baby was doing lots of turning and jumping and just jiggling around, it was actually quite funny, even the Dr was laughing at one point. And... it's a boy! Something about the angle of the pelvis, and the Dr was super sure about it. I said from right at the beginning that I just had a feeling in my gut that it was a boy, and there you go.  He's also measuring in at 13w+5 which would bring his due date to May 13th, but babies never come when they're meant to so I'm just saying he's coming sometime in mid May. So my report says my age risk of having a Downs baby is 1/111 but taking the scan measurements into account that takes it to 1/480, which takes me out of the high risk category.  Hubby and I are soooo relieved.  Oh and baby's head is measuring in at 14w+3 which we find hilarious as hubby and I both have pretty big heads, so it was kind of inevitable. lol This image has been resized. Click this bar to view the full image. The original image is sized 960x640.

11w+6 - I felt something today

This morning before I got out of bed, I put my hands on my tummy and I'm pretty sure I felt my uterus sticking out a bit.  It was firm and in the same area where I hear baby's heart with the doppler.  My trousers now don't do up and I'm having to wear my belly band and the only thing that's really comfortable are my trackies at the moment.  I've got my scan at 12w+2 so I'm also going to pop into a maternity clothes shop that's nearby while I'm there and see if I can get some jeans and leggings with a more comfortable waist!

11 weeks - cravings

Yay - we've made it to 11 weeks.  9 days to go till the next scan.  I have to admit that I'm nervous about it in case my risk level for Down's or another defect is not good.  Obviously there's nothing I can do about it but I would really like to come away from that scan with a light heart rather than with concerns about what to do next.

Today I started feeling a little queasy after breakfast and I was thinking through what I could eat to make me feel better.  Everything I thought of made my stomach turn until I thought of salami and hotdogs!  So all well cooked obviously but I'm feeling good again.  Soooo weird, but so nice obviously.

10w+6 - tests

This is the day that we went for that awful scan with the last pregnancy where we found out that the baby's heart wasn't beating any more.  However, I am very pleased to say that I've just had a listen with the doppler and this baby's heart is happily thumping away! Yay!

So anyway, I'm just back from my first lot of blood and urine tests.  It's so backward here sometimes it's almost funny.   Now normally when I've gone for blood tests, they stick the needle in and then pop on and off the different vials that they're going to use for the tests and the blood just comes out at its own rate.  Not in the place I had to go to today, I got my blood sucked out with a big syringe, I cold feel it coming out and it felt really weird!  Then for the urine tests normally you're just given a cup and told to pee in it, or with some instructions on how to clean yourself first and how not to contaminate the sample.  Oh no, not here, I had to have my feet up in stirrups for this.  She cleaned me and then told me to pee while I was lying down.  For me, that is impossible!  Even after my embryo transfer when I did my IVF and I was absolutely bursting for a wee, I couldn't relax myself enough to use the bed pan, even when they left me alone.  There's no way I was going to manage to wee with my legs in stirrups and some random woman holding a cup up against me!  I argued enough that she eventually agreed to let me wee in the cup in the normal way, thought she did put a bit of cotton up me so as no potential discharge could contaminate the urine sample.  Oh my word!  Anyway, results will be ready on Friday.

10w + 4 - a good milestone

It was at 10w+2 or 3 that baby's heart stopped beating last pregnancy. I've just had another listen on the Doppler & the little heart is still going strong. I'm so happy to be passed that point. 10w+6 is when we found out last time so I'll be really pleased when we get to 11 weeks. Fingers crossed!

10 weeks - doppler arrived & found heartbeat!

Well my doppler arrived today and I managed to find baby's heartbeat - a nice strong 180bpm!  I hadn't realised how relieved I was to hear it until happy tears started streaming down my face.  The first thing I did was email the sound file to my husband so he can enjoy this moment too.  I'm absolutely over the moon!

9w+5 - jeans don't do up any more

I've just admitted to myself that as of today I officially can no longer do up my jeans and still feel even vaguely comfortable.  I've been doing the whole elastic band around the buttons thing but now the zip is feel restrictive.  It's just okay if I'm standing up, but sitting down is a whole different story!  So the belly band is getting used for the first time today.

9w+2 - ordered a doppler

I've given in and ordered a Sonoline-b 3Mhz fetal doppler.  Hopefully it should be arriving sometime next week.  Sometime between now and 11 weeks is when our last baby's heart stopped beating so I'm really hoping that we're going to get some reassurance from this thing.  But I have to remember to not freak out if I dont' hear anything as it may simply be too early.

Had terrible nausea all day yesterday.  Only times I felt ok were when I was lying down or fast asleep.  Today seems to not be too bad, but then again I am lying on the sofa!

9 weeks - scan no. 3

I'm just back from having my 9 week scan. Baby's still measuring just fine and I saw its little heart beating away but this Dr didn't measure the rate. I wish he had, but from what I saw it looked nice and strong. Next scan is probably going to be November 3rd now. That's the one I'm really scared about, and if all is still okay then, then I'll start to breathe easier. Anyway, here's our little baby bear, unfortunately he only took one photo and it didn't come out very clear, you can only see one of the crosshairs for the measurement. I'm not very good at seeing what's what at the best of times, but I think baby's got its back to us and the head end is on the left???

8w+6 - nausea is toying with me

Three days ago it was like a fog lifted and my nausea was back down to just a mildly annoying level. Prior to that for about a week and a half it has been debilitating and pretty much all consuming. I have yet to actually be sick but it's take a very strong will at times to not allow myself to be sick. I naively thought being at nearly 9 weeks that maybe I was out of the woods. But no such luck, I'm feeling pretty awful right now.

Tomorrow I've got another scan, so another anxious wait, hoping & praying that that little heartbeat is still going to be there. Fingers crossed!

8w+2 - fighting fatigue

Today's the first day in a while that I haven't had 'morning' sickness. So I finally feel like doing things & being more active. But doing anything is so draining, it feels ridiculous & to be honest, just a tad pathetic. But I'm trying to listen to my body. So for example today I washed my hair, and then had to lie down and rest, cooked dinner and had to lie down & rest, did the washing up and you guessed it, had to lie down and rest. It's hard work trying to be even vaguely productive and really quite debilitating. And I have been lying here being oh so grateful that I live the life I lead and that my wonderful husband works as hard as he does so that I don't have to. I honestly don't know how I would manage having to go to work at the moment.

7w+5 - oh the morning sickness

Ohhhhh, this is the worst I've felt so far, by far! I've spent most of this evening willing myself not to throw up. I'm reminded of when my husband and I both came down with a terrible stomach bug and at one point when we were both not throwing up and were actually lying in bed together we both burst out laughing, in a very weak, pathetic way mind you, because we realised how funny we most look & sound as we were both lying there moaning & groaning as we felt so awful. Well that's just what I'm doing right now. Ugh!

But I've also said to baby to just crack on with whatever s/he needs to do. I'll survive. haha

7w+3 - no need for progesterone support

So I like that Dr even less now.  I have to admit to having been a bit freaked out after yesterday when he said that I might need to go on progesterone support.  Obviously my mind immediately went to worrying that I wouldn't be able to maintain this pregnancy and what if it became a problem before my RE got back to me, etc etc.  This may have also had something to do with my bad mood yesterday.  I also woke up the morning with a horrible feeling that something was wrong, something had changed and it was wrong.  I'm still feeling a bit weird about that now.  I'm hoping it was all just how my feelings from yesterday manifested themselves and not something more sinister.  I guess that sort of thing really freaks me out now because right around the time that our baby girl's heart must have stopped beating, I had the most vivid dream that I was looking at her and I saw her heart just stop.  At the time I didn't bother to say anything because I thought it was just a dream and didn't really think more about it until we found out that her heart had stopped.  Anyway, I'm hoping that awful feeling this morning was nothing.  I can't do anything except cross my fingers.

But onto the good news.  My RE (bare in mind, he's the best in the country) just emailed me back and simply said that the cyst is the corpus luteum and it's totally normal.  WTF?!  What on earth was the other Dr doing freaking me out like that yesterday?!  I am definitely not going back to see him again.  But for now, I can relax, all is fine and my body is doing just what it's meant to do, there's nothing wrong. (And I've just had a big, hormonal, relieved cry.)

So tomorrow I should get my report and then I can just look forward to my next scan, and keep my fingers crossed that that horrible feeling was only to do with not enjoying yesterday.

7w+2 - scan no.2

Well I really didn't like this Dr that I went to see today.  When I went in, he shook my hand, but while he was talking over me head to his secretary and calling her weird.  Then there was no privacy for taking my trousers and undies off, nor was I given anything to cover up with.  Now I know they've seen it all a million times before but this is the first time I've been anywhere where they don't allow you any modesty.  Then his printer was broken so I won't get my report until Monday and he also wouldn't let me take my photos with me.  Oh and to top it off, although there were only 2 other people in front of me when I arrived, I was kept waiting almost 2 hours until I was seen.  I was so wound up by it all and all hormonal that I didn't really get to enjoy my scan and I've wanted to have a good cry because of it all day.  I'm so glad that the student Dr I saw last time gave me another recommendation for a Dr to see.

So anyway, all of that to one side, all is well with baby.  S/he (I've got this niggle in the back of my head that it's a boy) is measuring 7w+3 and there was a heartbeat of 145bpm.  So all good.  But the Dr. did have a look at my ovarian cyst and suggested that I ask my RE about going onto progesterone support.  I think it's got something to do with the cyst having the potential to block my natural progesterone production, which is obviously essential to maintaining the pregnancy.  So I've emailed my RE and we'll see what he says.  But for now, all is good.

So here's the latest pic of our baby bear:

6w+1 - morning sickness

It's more like queasiness but for the first time it's been on & off all day. I'm not enjoying it but if we end up with a beautiful baby at the end of this, then I'm loving every minute of it!

And today I was briefly treated to this unusual rainbow that appeared through the morning mist. I'm taking it as a good omen for our rainbow baby.

6 weeks - Introducing our baby bear

This morning just before I got in the shower, I sent a text to this doctor that my RE had recommended asking if he'd be able to do my scan today, tomorrow or Saturday. When I got out of the shower I checked my phone to see if there had been a reply. He'd called, so I called him back. He said he was just about to leave town to head back to the city but if I could get to the local clinic NOW he'd be able to see me. Of course I said yes & then proceeded to throw on my clothes, grab my bag & run out the door. By the time I got there my hands were shaking!

It turns out that he's a fairly recently qualified doctor doing his internship with my RE! He happens to live in the same town as me & my RE knew that he'd be in town visiting family. Poor guy kinda had to do that scan or his mentor wouldn't have been very impressed with this work ethic if my RE's is anything to go by!

Anyway, he was lovely & made me feel totally at ease. And there I saw it, our little baby bear measuring in at exactly 6 weeks and I could see its little heart beating away at 109 bpm. That's better than last time were baby was measuring 6w+3 and had a heart rate of 100 bpm, so I'm happy. This doctor said it's fine because it's wee heart has only just started beating and it should start to speed up soon. He said when it's around 60 or 70 bpm at this stage that they're not happy.

We had a giggle too because due to the date of my last period, technically I should be 5w+4. But because I was charting, I knew I ovulated early & I told him I thought I should be exactly 6 weeks. He gave a sort of knowing smile like, yeah okay. And when he went to measure he said, so this should come up as 5w+4 and it came out at exactly 6 weeks. Of course I had to laugh and say, ha ha! see!

So here s/he is... introducing our tiny little baby bear.

5w+6 - symptoms

Today orange juice is not my friend.  No, I'm not having much morning sickness by any means, but a couple of sips of orange juice this evening and my stomach is not happy.  I feel really yuck now.

Speaking of symptoms, the day before yesterday (5w+4) I had a busy day and had such an achey uterus in the evening.  I also had terrible bloat; I had what I thought was bad bloat with my last pregnancy but I looked bigger than I did at 10 weeks!  It helped so much when I went to bed and lay on my side.  I guess it took some of the pressure off or something.  The next morning I only had to walk around a little and I could start to feel the achey uterus coming back so I took it really easy.  That of course had me worrying about ectopic but it's been fine today (I did take it really easy today) and I'm assuming with an ectopic it starts getting worse and worse.  That's what I'm hoping anyway.

Oh, and my RE in the city gave me the number of another ob/gyn in town so I'm going to give him a call tomorrow to see if I can get an earlier scan.  If I can that'll be great, though I'll still go to my one on the 29th as it'll give me a chance to try out both Drs, and then I can pick the one I prefer.

5w+2 - first scan booked

My lovely godfather has got me an appointment for the 29th, which by my calculations should have me at 7w+2.  My RE has also given me the number for someone so I'll try that person for my 9 week scan, and then I'll make a decision who to stay with based on who I feel more comfortable with.

I'm so nervous!  So scared that there's not going to be anything there or that there will be but there will be no heartbeat.  I'd just like that appointment to be over with already so I can know.  Oh to have a crystal ball and be able to see into the future to know if this is going to be a happy ending so I can relax.  So instead, I'm just going to try and ignore it for now.

5w+1 - decision made

Hubby and I have talked about it and we've decided that going local will be much better unless we absolutely need to see my RE in the city.  I'm very happy with that decision.  I'd also forgotten that my Godfather, who delivered me, is a retired, but local ob/gyn.  So I've asked my lovely mummy to give him a call to find out who's the best person to go and see locally.  Yay!

Symptom wise, I'm feeling pretty normal today, just had a couple of mini cramps and that's it.  For now I've got to assume that everything's okay and just be grateful for the lack of symptoms.  Makes me nervous though...

5 weeks & a decision to make

My RE finally got back to me tonight to say that my HCG numbers were much better and could I go for a scan either here or in the city (with him) on the 20th or 21st (which would make me around the 6w mark).

Now my decision is which to do.  I'd like to stick with my RE/ OBGYN because he knows our history and I also know that he is very good at what he does.  However thanks to flights and taxis, it'll cost about £122/$198 more each time I go for a scan.  But I love the idea of going locally and being able to hop in the car, go to my scan, and then just come home again, all in a couple of hours at the most, rather than it taking the whole day if I go to the city.  And then thinking further ahead, am I really going to move to the city for the last part of my pregnancy just so my current Dr can do the delivery?  But then again, if hubby and I decided on an elective c-section that might be more feasible.  Also what if something were to go wrong, I know at his clinic in the city, they've got the latest equipment both for mum and baby, locally I'm not so sure (but that's not to say that they don't, I just don't know).  I think I've got some homework to do on that front.

But for the mean time, I just need to make a decision on where to go for my 6w scan... ??????

Oh and symptom wise, I'm not feeling much, only a couple of twinges today and boobs are a little swollen, but craving salt like a crazy woman.  However, unlike my last pregnancy where I did pretty much zero exercise, I have been doing something everyday this time.  Yesterday I was on the exercise bike for 20 minutes and today I did a pregnancy yoga workout I found on YouTube.

4w+5 - 2nd bHCG results are back

I've been stalking the clinic's online results thingy like a crazy woman and my results are just in.  In those few seconds between the link appearing and me reading the result, I think I was close to having a heart attack! haha  And my results was 427.7 and according to www.betabase.info for 18dpo (what I was yesterday) I am now bang on where I should be for a singleton pregnancy.  Obviously I was straight on the phone to my lovely hubby who sounded very happy!  I am so happy too and soooo relieved.  Deep down I think I knew the result was going to be fine, but there was just that little niggling worry.  But that's gone now, so I can just enjoy until it's time for the first scan where I'll obviously get all nervous and worried again.  Phew!

Oh and I've emailed my RE my results so we'll see what he comes back with.

4w+4

I can't believe I've already started bloating at night. It started the night before last and also last night I started feeling a bit queasy.  I still feel like it this morning, and a bit light headed but I also feel quite coldy so I'm wondering if I'm coming down with a bug.  I've also got a fairly persistent on/off cramp in the lower left side of my abdomen & I briefly got that metallic taste in my mouth.  So today I'm feeling pretty bleh, but I'm hoping that it's all meaning that I'm well and truly pregnant, in which case I'm loving the bleh! haha.  This afternoon I'm off for my second HCG test and by tomorrow I'll have a much better idea of how things are going.  I have to admit that I'm really nervous.  I really don't want it to all be over before it's really even begun.  Fingers crossed!

4w+1 & blood test results are back

Today is when af was due to show up and she didn't - yay!!!  And I've been stalking the clinic's online results section and mine are up, a whole 3 days before they told me they would be.

My beta HCG is 67.2 and the range they have for 4 weeks is 50 - 500.
Estradiol is 132.21, they don't have a range on there for pregnancy so no idea if that's okay or not.
Progesterone is 16.89 and the range for the 1st trimester is 11.22 - 90.

So, so far so good.  I've emailed my RE with the results and we'll see what he comes back with.

As for pregnancy symptoms, apart from slightly fuller boobs and the occasional hot flush, nothing.


Update: My RE replied to say I need to go back for another HCG test and that I'm positive but on the low side. Thankfully in that sense I know not to stress too much as it's not so much to do with the level but rather the doubling time.  So I'm going to go back on Monday for another test and we shall see.  Fingers crossed!

We're pregnant - my first ever natural bfp!!!

I'm so glad that I followed my gut instinct and didn't start on the bcps for IVF #2 when the coordinator told me to!!!  Hubby and I followed the Sperm meets Egg Plan, although we did miss the day before I ovulated.  I was super relaxed about ttc this cycle as well because I honestly thought it wouldn't work so happily had a drink probably every night, though only one or two.

I did start to get sleepy really early over the past week and a bit but I thought it was more down to me also waking up really early.  Then I started spotting at 8dpo which is really early for me but I thought that was me out, except that it stopped at 9dpo.  Then when we had sex on 11dpo there was one wipe of blood (again I thought that was me out) but then nothing.  Then hubby made a comment about my boobs being big, I thought it was the bra I was wearing.  And then the night before he went back to work, we were having a discussion about something and I burst out crying for no reason.  So with each of these things I wasn't symptom spotting but at the same time things were starting to make me curious and also I was daring to get a little hopeful.  So there we are sitting in a restaurant at the airport waiting for hubby's flight yesterday with a fair bit of time to kill and I just blurted out that maybe we should take a pregnancy test just as something to do as it would kill 5 minutes.  Hubby agreed so I popped next door to the restaurant which was a pharmacy and got myself a ClearBlue test.  And there in the public toilets of the airport, I saw that blue cross appear within about 30 seconds.  So I went back to the restaurant with a silly grin on my face and plopped the test stick in front of hubby and said, looks like we're pregnant.  And then we spent the rest of the time pretty much in stunned shock that we beat the odds and actually got a natural bfp.

And so it all begins again.  We agreed that we are not going to sit around worrying about things going wrong because if they're going to happen, they are going to happen and there's probably going to be nothing that we can do about it, so we're just going to enjoy this pregnancy for all it's worth!  Though don't get me wrong, I know that each scan I'm going to be terrified of seeing that still screen again and that little heartbeat is going to be the first thing I look for before I start to breathe again.  But I've got a good feeling about this one and so far my gut feelings have been pretty good so I'm just going to go with it.

I also emailed my RE right away to let him know and also to ask him what I needed to do now.  So he emailed back saying I needed to get blood tests for HCG obviously, as well as progesterone and estradiol.  I'm just back from getting those done though they said that they results wouldn't be in until Monday at 6pm!  I'm hoping that the results will be up online well before that though.  And I think I'll stick with my RE and all the travelling that it'll involve until the end of the first trimester as I like him, I trust him, and I know he'll do everything he can to look after me and make sure this pregnancy is a success.

So there we go, I'm still in shock and probably won't start to accept it until the HCG results are back, and again it won't really feel real until that first scan, which I hope will be sooner rather than later.

Well that was unexpected!

I'll post more tomorrow when it's sunk in a bit more. Hubby and I are in shock!!! And obviously very happy!

IVF Coordinator appointment

Well I'm really really glad that I insisted on having this appointment over the phone as it lasted less than 5 minutes and would have been a complete waste of my time and money to have flown to the city for it.

She started off by asking me how long I'd been on birth control pills for.  I told her that I hadn't been on them.  She said 'noooooo'.  To which I replied that no one had told me I was meant to be on them.  So she wants me to start on them right away since af started yesterday.

I explained that my husband works abroad and is back home on holiday for a few weeks and that I know it's an outside chance but there's always the chance that we might manage to get pregnant naturally while we're actually together and I didn't want to lose that chance by going on the pill now.  So we agreed that when (although I'm hoping it won't) af next turns up, I'll start on bcp right away and give her a call and she will then programme me in for IVF #2.

So there we have it, hubby and I are going to make the most of our very slim natural chances and if that doesn't work (which we know in all likelihood it won't) then we'll move to IVF#2.  This way there's no regrets or what ifs, and also no expectations on this cycle so we'll hopefully be super relaxed about it too.

Appointment with IVF Coordinator booked!

This is the start of the ball rolling. I've booked my appointment with the IVF Coordinator for the evening of the 14th. Looks like it's going to be over the phone/Skype so I'm really pleased with that.  I'm waiting for AF to appear any day now which in a way would be nearly perfect timing to start this cycle but my gut is telling me to wait for the next one.  I have no idea why it's such a strong feeling but I've got to go with it.  I figure it's either that we'll manage to get pregnant naturally while my husband's home or that if we did IVF this cycle, it wouldn't work for some reason.  Or maybe it's the financial side.  If we do the cycle while my husband's home, because we do spend as much time together as we can, we'd both be going to my appointments in the city which would mean a doubling of the airfare costs and also potentially spending time towards egg retrieval in a rented apartment in the city rather than our new home which we're moving into next week and that would be rubbish.  No idea, but we've got to go with the no regrets approach and go with gut feels.  And what if we did manage to get pregnant naturally this cycle...?  I have proposed the Sperm Meets Egg plan to my husband so we'll see if we can restrain ourselves to only dtd once every other day for a whole week!

Update: She said that she'd call me today (Sunday) but it's now 11pm and she hasn't called. I sent her a text an hour ago asking when she was going to call but no reply.  Bit of a let down really.  Oh well, I suppose my appointment is for Tuesday.  But I'll give her a call tomorrow.

Minor setback in getting started again

I called up today to make my appointment for the day I'm in the city and it turns out it's a holiday so is obviously a no go.  I've emailed the IVF coordinator to see if we can do the consult over the phone or Skype and we'll see what she says.  I'm still vainly hoping we'll just get pregnant naturally while my husband's home and all of this expense, effort, uncertainly & stress will be unnecessary.  At least our journey so far hasn't made me lose the ability to hope!  Hahaha.

Update 10/08 - Doesn't seem to be too much of a setback after all as she seems to be willing to do the consult over the phone.  Her issue is that she needs to give me my prescriptions.  But that's easily solvable by sending a reliable taxi driver I use in the city to go and pick them up and leave them for me at the hotel we'll be staying at the following night.  So I'm happy with that as there's no need for any extra flights or hotel stays for us.

Another step towards IVF #2

I did it, I sent off my chart from IVF #1 to the coordinator today, let her know when I'd be in the city, and asked which of the two clinics my RE attends would be the best one to make my appointment at for that date.  Now the wait to see what she comes back with.  Once the appointment's made, the ball will be well and truly rolling again.  I have to admit I'm a little bit apprehensive, nervous, scared, and yet excited about it all.

Planning IVF #2

The IVF coordinator got in touch today.  She'd like me to send my plan from round 1 and also to make an appointment to go and see her.  For me any IVF appointment means an expensive flight to the city where my doctor is, so I need to bare this in mind.  Now I've got two options, I could go for an appointment asap and get started this coming cycle and be able to share some of the injection giving with my husband... however he hates needles.  But I would be taking the flight and spending all that money, as well as the taxi fare, for probably talking to the IVF coordinator for about 10 minutes to then hop on the plane again and fly home.  Or I could just chill, take advantage of the fact that I'm already flying to the city to pick up my husband from the airport and I could do the appointment while I'm there waiting for him.  My period is likely to have started a few days before so it might be that we miss the cycle or if fate wants it, then we'll make the cycle.

I think I'm quite happy with that idea... I think.  And I've also got this stupid feeling that since I miscarried so recently that I might somehow miraculously become vaguely fertile and we could actually hit that less than 7% chance of getting pregnant naturally.  Like I said, I know it's a stupid feeling because it is so unlikely, but I'm having trouble shaking it.

And this is what I love about writing it down, because I've now realised that I'm really leaning towards letting fate take the decision.  I'll make the appointment for when I'm already in the city and if we're able to make this coming cycle for IVF then great and if not, then we'll see if nature plays ball, and if not then we'll just start the IVF next cycle.

I've also been taking CoQ10 since my miscarriage so waiting this long may also give my eggs the chance to be the best they can be for the IVF.

The final closure

Today I received my receipts for the D&E in the post today.  It's weird they wait this long to send them but at the same time I'm glad they do.  I'm not sure I would have been emotionally ready to receive a looong breakdown of everything single little thing that was used on me and our little one.  But today it just feels like the end of a chapter, which in a way, it is.  It's all done now, I've even got the receipt for it.

But on a lighter note, just as I was falling asleep last night, the most lovely image entered my mind.  A little girl, our little girl, in a sunny meadow, hand in hand with a little friend, laughing and running and just having a lovely time.  No idea where that image came from, but it brought a little happy tear to my eye and truly warmed my heart.  And with that I went to sleep with a smile on my face and a lightness in my heart.





You'll never be forgotten and will always be loved by us little one. 


I'm glad that you are where you need to be, so that you can be happy and carefree, just like you deserve to be.


All our love always, 
Mummy & Daddy
xxxx

Migraine!

Well finding out has definitely taken a load of stress away because the only time I get migraines is when I've been really stressed and that stress goes away. And yesterday I had the worst migraine I've ever had! But it's just made me more at peace, because it has just reaffirmed that the stress is now gone. I've written to my RE today as requested and am now waiting to hear back from him and find out what his plan of action is.  Update: He asked me when my last period was and told me to get in touch with his IVF coordinator.  I called her but she didn't answer so I emailed her and now to see what her reply is.

Finding a silver lining

Hubby and I were just saying yesterday, that considering what happened, happened, it's probably the best result we could have hoped for. Bit weird to say that, but it's true. Now just to hope and pray that my ovaries are willing to play ball again. RE wants me to get in touch on Monday to discuss the plan of action.

Genetics results

I'm going to call in about half an hour. I have to admit that I'm a bit nervous. Not about finding out if there was anything wrong or not, but finding out if our baby was a boy or a girl. It's silly because one way or the other it was either a boy or a girl and it makes no difference to me which it was. I think it must be something to do with actually knowing which, will make the 'what could have been' so much more real and tangible. Oh I don't know. I'm just being silly and need to pull myself together. Update: Stupid system. The results are ready but I'm supposedly meant to go and pick them up in person. I'm in a different city! The girl I spoke to however, is just going to check if she's allowed to scan them in and email them to me... Update: Okay, I got the results. We had a little girl, but she had Turner Syndrome (Monosomy X). I've had a good cry but it's so nice knowing what went wrong and I feel so calm inside now. I'm now glad that what happened, happened, and my body did what it had to do, it's just amazing. I'm comforted to read that 15% of all miscarriages are because of Turner Syndrome and that 99% of women carrying a baby with Turner Syndrome miscarry. And I'm unbelievably relieved to read that this problem really is just a fluke and not because there is anything wrong as such. So I have my closure now, I can rest easy and draw a line under this now and move forward with a much lighter heart. I've sent the results to my RE and we'll see what he says for moving forward. Oh, and the thing that made me cry the most was when I told my family; my sister was also there with her youngest son who's 2 1/2 years old & he was having his lunch. As I was telling them the news I obviously welled up and started crying. And my lovely little nephew stood up right away and walked up to me with his arms outstretched, so I knelt down, and he gave me THE most lovely hug! He then went back to his lunch but kept getting up and giving me hugs. Oh that made me cry so much. How, at that age, did he know that I needed hugs?!

Going with the flow

Well RE's not been back in touch so looks like it'll be next cycle anyway. I was going to go with the flow and be happy whichever it was, so I'm happy.

Musing about the timing of IVF#2

I'm not actually sure when my RE wants to start again. He said when I went in for my post op that we were going to wait until the karyotype results were back, so he would know what we're dealing with. I sent him a message to say that my period had started and he sent me an email late last night asking exactly when it started. I know last cycle he put me on bcp on CD3, so I'm wondering if he will again. I am raring to go but at the same time am just about to move house so it would kinda be more convenient to wait till next cycle when it'll be all done, and also hubby will be home which would be really nice. However, I also know I don't have any time to waste.

The one time I'll be happy af is here

Well AF arrived yesterday early morning in full force. I normally have 1 heavy day and then 2 quite light ones, a bit of spotting and I'm done. It's still really heavy today. Can't say I'm enjoying it but I'm glad it's here as my body's getting back on track and we're that bit closer to being able to try again.

Getting it out in the open

I had a bit of a down afternoon yesterday & ended up having a good heart to heart with my family as no one had even asked once since I got back from the UK how I was doing or if I was ok even on days where it was clear I'd been crying. I took is as not caring or them assuming everything was all better already. It turns out they weren't saying anything at all because they didn't want to bring any more pain & hurt. I was getting more & more resentful of what I was taking as a complete lack of support and it was all just a big misunderstanding. So it came to a head yesterday but the good thing is I feel supported by them now & I can finally talk about it with them if I want to. Obviously I cried a lot but the good thing is I can't remember when the last time I cried about this was, which means it'll be even longer till the next time, if it happens at all. I think (I hope) I'm nearly done grieving & can soon move on to just being ok with what happened. I hadn't realised that my Mummy especially was also grieving the loss of what was going to be other grandchild. So we looked at all the scan photos together and obviously cried together. And although really sad, it was really lovely too. I think yesterday really helped in some way in the whole process of grieving. Like none of us could really move past a certain point because we weren't talking about it. But now that we have and we can, it's like some sort of sticking point has been moved out of the way. Bizarre but very healing.

Emotional rollercoaster

Anyway, this past week has been all over the place emotions wise. I hit a big dip after MIL upset me so much. The following day I was a teary mess until hubby came on line and somehow managed to cheer me up and screw my head on properly again for me. He is just such a wonderful man. Anyway, I'm now doing ok and got my thinking back to it will be our turn again soon enough. Oh and I also started running - following the Couch to 5k plan - and that has helped my mood incredibly! Sometimes it feels like all this happened such a long time ago, but it's not even been 3 weeks. So I think all things considered, I'm not doing too badly, and hubby's doing fantastically. My exciting news for today and that - TMI - I passed a few decent sized clots yesterday and today it seems as though that could have been the last of it as I've had only the very lightest of spotting. Ooooh I hope so!!! Once that happens I feel like I'll finally be able to be put this all behind me. Oh and got the bill through for the D&C, and thanks to not having health insurance yet, we're £2k lighter for the pleasure. At some point I'm going to sit down and figure out just how much that pregnancy cost us.

MIL just made my blood boil

Oooooh, my MIL just really annoyed me. She just sent me this email... "Just sent an email to [hubby] but thought as neither of you are great at keeping in touch I'd do a back up one to you too!!!! Hope you are well again and all systems ready for another shit [her typo but oh so very apt] at IVF ? Not sure what the procedure is on that? [Blah blah blah - just stuff happening in her neck of the woods] Hope to hear from one if you sometime???? X" I wrote back ignoring her questions about IVF but I did feel like writing back and saying stop being so f'ing nosey! If hubby wants to tell you what's going on, he will. Personally, I don't know you well enough to talk about stuff like this with you & could it possibly occur to you that I might possibly still be grieving and not actually want to talk to anyone outside my immediate family and some very close friends. And when hubby did tell you we'd miscarried you kindly wrote to me to say that you'd talked about it with X,Y & Z and their daughters had all had miscarriages too and it was very normal. All good intentions I'm sure but it sooooo didn't help and it helped even less knowing you blabbed our very private news and grief to other people without even bothering to ask if that would be okay with us. And hope I'm well again and ready for another go at IVF... it's only been 10 days since the friggin operation you insensitive old bat! Oh she's made me so angry I'm in tears about it. Grrrrrr.

And waiting...

I'm now sat in the airport waiting for my flight home after having my D&C follow up appointment with my RE. He did a vaginal ultrasound, said everything was looking good, that my ovaries were looking good, & that I should expect to continue spotting for another 7 to 10 days (but apparently up to a maximum of 40 (!!!) days can happen & is ok) as there's still a tiny bit left to come out but that's only because with the suction method they used, they don't scrape every last bit out doing the op. So with that he's given me the all clear, and that I can go back to normal life & exercise etc again. He also said that the first set of test results are back - those done on my placenta. And everything was perfected normal there. So I'm guessing that means that our baby didn't die from my body attacking it??? And the other set of results - tests done on our baby - take 28 days from the day of the D&C. From what I understood, those will tell us if there was a problem with hubby's sperm, or with my egg or when they came together. I asked when we'd be able to start again and he said there's no point talking about that until we get those test results back as we don't know what trying again will mean, whether we use my eggs, or donor eggs, or what. That last bit really stuck in my head. I'm not ready to give up on my eggs after only our 1st try (and granted, our first failure). But there's no point stressing about it until those results are back as we may not need to be considering that yet. Though before I went for my D&C my sister did offer her eggs if necessary, though we would have to see as she is almost 3 years older than me. Anyway, we'll worry about that if the time comes. So now it's back to waiting. Waiting to stop spotting, waiting to get the results, and waiting to start ttc again. I'm not so good at this part... *sigh*

Raring to go but still waiting

Well the bleeding came back today. Meh! Other than that I basically just feel like I always used to... but with a little hole in my heart now. I'm so curious what my appointment with my RE on Tuesday is going to bring. I really want to know when we can get started on our next round of IVF. I'm also wanting to ask him what he thinks of DHEA as a supplement as I've read that it can help increase egg quality and quantity for low responders like me, and also that it may decrease trisomy cases too. As long as he says that it can't hurt, I think I might start taking it on the off chance that it might help. We shall see.

Yesterday should have been 12 weeks

I'm still generally doing okay, though last night I did cry myself to sleep. Think it was knowing that yesterday should have been 12 weeks and I miss being pregnant. Today though I'm noticing that my body shape is starting to get back to normal which is nice. And for the first time since my d&c, I've been to the toilet today and not had any blood when I wiped. There's been blood since but it looks like it's starting to stop. Once it stops properly, I'm going to start going swimming to try and get myself back into shape. And I've been being good to myself, I've done my hair and given myself a manicure. I'm going with the idea that if you feel good on the outside, you'll make yourself feel better on the inside too. I've also decided that at some point I'm going to do a little scrapbook to remember this pregnancy and our little angel baby by.

Crazy hormones

Wow, I think today my hormone levels are doing some drastic changes. I woke up sweating and I haven't really stopped since! Also, although I'm feeling fine, I'm also feeling prone to a big cry at any moment if that makes any sense. I'm just glad it's winter where I am at the moment as if it was warm outside and being as hot as I feel from the inside, it would be unbearable! But assuming this is hormonal changes, then it's a good thing because it means my body is doing what it needs to to get back to normal. And the sooner I get back to normal, the sooner we can crack on with trying to get pregnant again.

My body's holding me back

Bizarrely, today I feel emotionally fine. I seem to have stopped dwelling on/ started to come to terms with what could have been and am so looking forward to what will be. I just can't wait to get started with the next round of ivf, it's really quite strange. Today I kind of feel frustrated by my body because I still have to wait for it to be ready, whereas emotionally I really want to get on with it. Well that's how I feel today anyway.

Emotional healing or just numb???

Well today (so far) has been a good day, and is the first day that I haven't cried. I've come close a couple of times but haven't. Then again, there's been a lot going on today - we almost got burgled last night and the day's been spent organising getting our wall fixed - so I haven't had a lot of downtime to dwell on things. Also it might help that I booked my follow up appointment with my RE today. I'm assuming he'll be giving me the results of the tests I had done, so maybe it's having that to look forward to that's cheered me up a little - the possibility of having some answers to what went wrong, if there are any answers to give. Although I really don't want to do it again and I'm terrified that it won't work, I am already chomping at the bit to get on with the next round of IVF and to be positive about it as well. Physically, yesterday and today I've had a sore abdomen. I think it's my body telling me to chill out and take it easier than I have been. I've still got terrible baby bloat going on which is a bit upsetting but nowhere near as upsetting as it was knowing our dead baby was still inside me, now it's just plain bloat. My boobs are still big, and I'm secretly hoping they will magically stay that way, even though I know they won't. I'm still bleeding but only very lightly and every now and then the odd random bit of tissue is still coming out. So I'm off to see my RE on Tuesday.

Starting to heal... physically

My RE is just fabulous. He managed to get me booked in for the Saturday night. In the end it was him who did the operation, they kept me in overnight to keep an eye on me, giving me pain medication & antibiotics & keeping an eye on how much I was bleeding, which was only really significant overnight and since then I've only needed pantyliners. Everyone there was fantastic and very supportive, especially when they realised I was there on my own. I had a good sob when they did the final ultrasound before the op to confirm that our baby was indeed dead and then again after the op itself, and then it's just been occasional, random outburst of tears since then. Though also after the op, I felt a weight that had appeared when we found out the bad news, had simply lifted off my shoulders. I suppose that now I'm 'just' sad and no longer in constant turmoil knowing that our dead baby was still there inside me and I still was technically pregnant. In the morning they gave me the anti-D shot (I'm Oneg and hubby's Opos) just in case baby was Opos as the results from the tests they were doing on the baby weren't back in time, and I HAD to go otherwise I was going to miss my flight home. But OUCH, the injection hurt! It's great to be home now though. Ever since that awful scan, everything's just seemed so hectic and a complete whirlwind, so it's really nice to be home in peace and quiet where I can finally take the time I need to reflect, cry, come to terms with what's happened and to heal. So for the next couple of days I'm on painkillers, a stomach settler to counteract the painkillers effect on the stomach, antibiotics, and bless my RE, a pill to stop my milk coming in. He said that occasionally, the body mistakes the D&C for having given birth and your milk comes in. He said that I'm hurting enough as it is over this and there's no need to add insult to injury and add to the upset by suddenly have milk appearing. It's just little details like that, that makes my RE so fab. Yesterday I just felt a bit heavy down below, but today I feel like my abdomen is bruised from the inside. Then again, it probably is to some degree and I've had some cramps too but I would guess that's because my uterus is busy shrinking back. The bit I really don't like though is that I'm still bloated, so I still look pregnant. That doesn't really bother me too much since I know that I'm not and that it is just bloat, but I don't really want to go out in public until it goes down as I'm just at that size where I sort of look pregnant and I couldn't bare it if someone asked if I was. And then there's my husband. I didn't think it was possible, but this ordeal has made me love him soooo much more than I ever thought possible. He has been so incredibly supportive, while we were together and while we've been apart. I've never felt so loved and cared for, I just don't know how to describe it. I am so lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful man right there by my side through all of this.