Emotional rollercoaster

Anyway, this past week has been all over the place emotions wise. I hit a big dip after MIL upset me so much. The following day I was a teary mess until hubby came on line and somehow managed to cheer me up and screw my head on properly again for me. He is just such a wonderful man. Anyway, I'm now doing ok and got my thinking back to it will be our turn again soon enough. Oh and I also started running - following the Couch to 5k plan - and that has helped my mood incredibly! Sometimes it feels like all this happened such a long time ago, but it's not even been 3 weeks. So I think all things considered, I'm not doing too badly, and hubby's doing fantastically. My exciting news for today and that - TMI - I passed a few decent sized clots yesterday and today it seems as though that could have been the last of it as I've had only the very lightest of spotting. Ooooh I hope so!!! Once that happens I feel like I'll finally be able to be put this all behind me. Oh and got the bill through for the D&C, and thanks to not having health insurance yet, we're £2k lighter for the pleasure. At some point I'm going to sit down and figure out just how much that pregnancy cost us.

MIL just made my blood boil

Oooooh, my MIL just really annoyed me. She just sent me this email... "Just sent an email to [hubby] but thought as neither of you are great at keeping in touch I'd do a back up one to you too!!!! Hope you are well again and all systems ready for another shit [her typo but oh so very apt] at IVF ? Not sure what the procedure is on that? [Blah blah blah - just stuff happening in her neck of the woods] Hope to hear from one if you sometime???? X" I wrote back ignoring her questions about IVF but I did feel like writing back and saying stop being so f'ing nosey! If hubby wants to tell you what's going on, he will. Personally, I don't know you well enough to talk about stuff like this with you & could it possibly occur to you that I might possibly still be grieving and not actually want to talk to anyone outside my immediate family and some very close friends. And when hubby did tell you we'd miscarried you kindly wrote to me to say that you'd talked about it with X,Y & Z and their daughters had all had miscarriages too and it was very normal. All good intentions I'm sure but it sooooo didn't help and it helped even less knowing you blabbed our very private news and grief to other people without even bothering to ask if that would be okay with us. And hope I'm well again and ready for another go at IVF... it's only been 10 days since the friggin operation you insensitive old bat! Oh she's made me so angry I'm in tears about it. Grrrrrr.

And waiting...

I'm now sat in the airport waiting for my flight home after having my D&C follow up appointment with my RE. He did a vaginal ultrasound, said everything was looking good, that my ovaries were looking good, & that I should expect to continue spotting for another 7 to 10 days (but apparently up to a maximum of 40 (!!!) days can happen & is ok) as there's still a tiny bit left to come out but that's only because with the suction method they used, they don't scrape every last bit out doing the op. So with that he's given me the all clear, and that I can go back to normal life & exercise etc again. He also said that the first set of test results are back - those done on my placenta. And everything was perfected normal there. So I'm guessing that means that our baby didn't die from my body attacking it??? And the other set of results - tests done on our baby - take 28 days from the day of the D&C. From what I understood, those will tell us if there was a problem with hubby's sperm, or with my egg or when they came together. I asked when we'd be able to start again and he said there's no point talking about that until we get those test results back as we don't know what trying again will mean, whether we use my eggs, or donor eggs, or what. That last bit really stuck in my head. I'm not ready to give up on my eggs after only our 1st try (and granted, our first failure). But there's no point stressing about it until those results are back as we may not need to be considering that yet. Though before I went for my D&C my sister did offer her eggs if necessary, though we would have to see as she is almost 3 years older than me. Anyway, we'll worry about that if the time comes. So now it's back to waiting. Waiting to stop spotting, waiting to get the results, and waiting to start ttc again. I'm not so good at this part... *sigh*

Raring to go but still waiting

Well the bleeding came back today. Meh! Other than that I basically just feel like I always used to... but with a little hole in my heart now. I'm so curious what my appointment with my RE on Tuesday is going to bring. I really want to know when we can get started on our next round of IVF. I'm also wanting to ask him what he thinks of DHEA as a supplement as I've read that it can help increase egg quality and quantity for low responders like me, and also that it may decrease trisomy cases too. As long as he says that it can't hurt, I think I might start taking it on the off chance that it might help. We shall see.

Yesterday should have been 12 weeks

I'm still generally doing okay, though last night I did cry myself to sleep. Think it was knowing that yesterday should have been 12 weeks and I miss being pregnant. Today though I'm noticing that my body shape is starting to get back to normal which is nice. And for the first time since my d&c, I've been to the toilet today and not had any blood when I wiped. There's been blood since but it looks like it's starting to stop. Once it stops properly, I'm going to start going swimming to try and get myself back into shape. And I've been being good to myself, I've done my hair and given myself a manicure. I'm going with the idea that if you feel good on the outside, you'll make yourself feel better on the inside too. I've also decided that at some point I'm going to do a little scrapbook to remember this pregnancy and our little angel baby by.

Crazy hormones

Wow, I think today my hormone levels are doing some drastic changes. I woke up sweating and I haven't really stopped since! Also, although I'm feeling fine, I'm also feeling prone to a big cry at any moment if that makes any sense. I'm just glad it's winter where I am at the moment as if it was warm outside and being as hot as I feel from the inside, it would be unbearable! But assuming this is hormonal changes, then it's a good thing because it means my body is doing what it needs to to get back to normal. And the sooner I get back to normal, the sooner we can crack on with trying to get pregnant again.

My body's holding me back

Bizarrely, today I feel emotionally fine. I seem to have stopped dwelling on/ started to come to terms with what could have been and am so looking forward to what will be. I just can't wait to get started with the next round of ivf, it's really quite strange. Today I kind of feel frustrated by my body because I still have to wait for it to be ready, whereas emotionally I really want to get on with it. Well that's how I feel today anyway.

Emotional healing or just numb???

Well today (so far) has been a good day, and is the first day that I haven't cried. I've come close a couple of times but haven't. Then again, there's been a lot going on today - we almost got burgled last night and the day's been spent organising getting our wall fixed - so I haven't had a lot of downtime to dwell on things. Also it might help that I booked my follow up appointment with my RE today. I'm assuming he'll be giving me the results of the tests I had done, so maybe it's having that to look forward to that's cheered me up a little - the possibility of having some answers to what went wrong, if there are any answers to give. Although I really don't want to do it again and I'm terrified that it won't work, I am already chomping at the bit to get on with the next round of IVF and to be positive about it as well. Physically, yesterday and today I've had a sore abdomen. I think it's my body telling me to chill out and take it easier than I have been. I've still got terrible baby bloat going on which is a bit upsetting but nowhere near as upsetting as it was knowing our dead baby was still inside me, now it's just plain bloat. My boobs are still big, and I'm secretly hoping they will magically stay that way, even though I know they won't. I'm still bleeding but only very lightly and every now and then the odd random bit of tissue is still coming out. So I'm off to see my RE on Tuesday.

Starting to heal... physically

My RE is just fabulous. He managed to get me booked in for the Saturday night. In the end it was him who did the operation, they kept me in overnight to keep an eye on me, giving me pain medication & antibiotics & keeping an eye on how much I was bleeding, which was only really significant overnight and since then I've only needed pantyliners. Everyone there was fantastic and very supportive, especially when they realised I was there on my own. I had a good sob when they did the final ultrasound before the op to confirm that our baby was indeed dead and then again after the op itself, and then it's just been occasional, random outburst of tears since then. Though also after the op, I felt a weight that had appeared when we found out the bad news, had simply lifted off my shoulders. I suppose that now I'm 'just' sad and no longer in constant turmoil knowing that our dead baby was still there inside me and I still was technically pregnant. In the morning they gave me the anti-D shot (I'm Oneg and hubby's Opos) just in case baby was Opos as the results from the tests they were doing on the baby weren't back in time, and I HAD to go otherwise I was going to miss my flight home. But OUCH, the injection hurt! It's great to be home now though. Ever since that awful scan, everything's just seemed so hectic and a complete whirlwind, so it's really nice to be home in peace and quiet where I can finally take the time I need to reflect, cry, come to terms with what's happened and to heal. So for the next couple of days I'm on painkillers, a stomach settler to counteract the painkillers effect on the stomach, antibiotics, and bless my RE, a pill to stop my milk coming in. He said that occasionally, the body mistakes the D&C for having given birth and your milk comes in. He said that I'm hurting enough as it is over this and there's no need to add insult to injury and add to the upset by suddenly have milk appearing. It's just little details like that, that makes my RE so fab. Yesterday I just felt a bit heavy down below, but today I feel like my abdomen is bruised from the inside. Then again, it probably is to some degree and I've had some cramps too but I would guess that's because my uterus is busy shrinking back. The bit I really don't like though is that I'm still bloated, so I still look pregnant. That doesn't really bother me too much since I know that I'm not and that it is just bloat, but I don't really want to go out in public until it goes down as I'm just at that size where I sort of look pregnant and I couldn't bare it if someone asked if I was. And then there's my husband. I didn't think it was possible, but this ordeal has made me love him soooo much more than I ever thought possible. He has been so incredibly supportive, while we were together and while we've been apart. I've never felt so loved and cared for, I just don't know how to describe it. I am so lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful man right there by my side through all of this.

D&E

I'm still a bit teary but am ok, though the 13 hour flight back was hell as I was sat between two pregnant women.  What were the chances?! So I'm just back from my UK holiday and have just been to see my RE who's confirmed that there is indeed no heartbeat & will try to schedule me in for a D&E tonight or tomorrow. The ultrasound he did today is showing that things are starting to come away so it's going to happen naturally in the next few days but he'd really like to be able to get tests done so he can treat anything that's treatable as he said the baby looked morphologically fine. He also said having some answers about what went wrong will also give hubby & I much needed closure and I think he's right. So for now, I'm just trying to look forward and getting this op done & any answers we can get so we can then move onto our next round of IVF and hopefully a successful pregnancy & a lovely healthy baby at the end of it.

Bad news... we lost the baby...

Just got back from a scan at 11 weeks. Sadly there was no heartbeat & baby was only measuring 9+6. Needless to say hubby & I are absolutely devastated although we're all too aware that there was obviously something very wrong with the baby so this had to happen. Also hubby & I go our separate ways in a few days - me back home & hubby back to work. Not the best timing in the world really.