The final closure

Today I received my receipts for the D&E in the post today.  It's weird they wait this long to send them but at the same time I'm glad they do.  I'm not sure I would have been emotionally ready to receive a looong breakdown of everything single little thing that was used on me and our little one.  But today it just feels like the end of a chapter, which in a way, it is.  It's all done now, I've even got the receipt for it.

But on a lighter note, just as I was falling asleep last night, the most lovely image entered my mind.  A little girl, our little girl, in a sunny meadow, hand in hand with a little friend, laughing and running and just having a lovely time.  No idea where that image came from, but it brought a little happy tear to my eye and truly warmed my heart.  And with that I went to sleep with a smile on my face and a lightness in my heart.





You'll never be forgotten and will always be loved by us little one. 


I'm glad that you are where you need to be, so that you can be happy and carefree, just like you deserve to be.


All our love always, 
Mummy & Daddy
xxxx

Migraine!

Well finding out has definitely taken a load of stress away because the only time I get migraines is when I've been really stressed and that stress goes away. And yesterday I had the worst migraine I've ever had! But it's just made me more at peace, because it has just reaffirmed that the stress is now gone. I've written to my RE today as requested and am now waiting to hear back from him and find out what his plan of action is.  Update: He asked me when my last period was and told me to get in touch with his IVF coordinator.  I called her but she didn't answer so I emailed her and now to see what her reply is.

Finding a silver lining

Hubby and I were just saying yesterday, that considering what happened, happened, it's probably the best result we could have hoped for. Bit weird to say that, but it's true. Now just to hope and pray that my ovaries are willing to play ball again. RE wants me to get in touch on Monday to discuss the plan of action.

Genetics results

I'm going to call in about half an hour. I have to admit that I'm a bit nervous. Not about finding out if there was anything wrong or not, but finding out if our baby was a boy or a girl. It's silly because one way or the other it was either a boy or a girl and it makes no difference to me which it was. I think it must be something to do with actually knowing which, will make the 'what could have been' so much more real and tangible. Oh I don't know. I'm just being silly and need to pull myself together. Update: Stupid system. The results are ready but I'm supposedly meant to go and pick them up in person. I'm in a different city! The girl I spoke to however, is just going to check if she's allowed to scan them in and email them to me... Update: Okay, I got the results. We had a little girl, but she had Turner Syndrome (Monosomy X). I've had a good cry but it's so nice knowing what went wrong and I feel so calm inside now. I'm now glad that what happened, happened, and my body did what it had to do, it's just amazing. I'm comforted to read that 15% of all miscarriages are because of Turner Syndrome and that 99% of women carrying a baby with Turner Syndrome miscarry. And I'm unbelievably relieved to read that this problem really is just a fluke and not because there is anything wrong as such. So I have my closure now, I can rest easy and draw a line under this now and move forward with a much lighter heart. I've sent the results to my RE and we'll see what he says for moving forward. Oh, and the thing that made me cry the most was when I told my family; my sister was also there with her youngest son who's 2 1/2 years old & he was having his lunch. As I was telling them the news I obviously welled up and started crying. And my lovely little nephew stood up right away and walked up to me with his arms outstretched, so I knelt down, and he gave me THE most lovely hug! He then went back to his lunch but kept getting up and giving me hugs. Oh that made me cry so much. How, at that age, did he know that I needed hugs?!

Going with the flow

Well RE's not been back in touch so looks like it'll be next cycle anyway. I was going to go with the flow and be happy whichever it was, so I'm happy.

Musing about the timing of IVF#2

I'm not actually sure when my RE wants to start again. He said when I went in for my post op that we were going to wait until the karyotype results were back, so he would know what we're dealing with. I sent him a message to say that my period had started and he sent me an email late last night asking exactly when it started. I know last cycle he put me on bcp on CD3, so I'm wondering if he will again. I am raring to go but at the same time am just about to move house so it would kinda be more convenient to wait till next cycle when it'll be all done, and also hubby will be home which would be really nice. However, I also know I don't have any time to waste.

The one time I'll be happy af is here

Well AF arrived yesterday early morning in full force. I normally have 1 heavy day and then 2 quite light ones, a bit of spotting and I'm done. It's still really heavy today. Can't say I'm enjoying it but I'm glad it's here as my body's getting back on track and we're that bit closer to being able to try again.

Getting it out in the open

I had a bit of a down afternoon yesterday & ended up having a good heart to heart with my family as no one had even asked once since I got back from the UK how I was doing or if I was ok even on days where it was clear I'd been crying. I took is as not caring or them assuming everything was all better already. It turns out they weren't saying anything at all because they didn't want to bring any more pain & hurt. I was getting more & more resentful of what I was taking as a complete lack of support and it was all just a big misunderstanding. So it came to a head yesterday but the good thing is I feel supported by them now & I can finally talk about it with them if I want to. Obviously I cried a lot but the good thing is I can't remember when the last time I cried about this was, which means it'll be even longer till the next time, if it happens at all. I think (I hope) I'm nearly done grieving & can soon move on to just being ok with what happened. I hadn't realised that my Mummy especially was also grieving the loss of what was going to be other grandchild. So we looked at all the scan photos together and obviously cried together. And although really sad, it was really lovely too. I think yesterday really helped in some way in the whole process of grieving. Like none of us could really move past a certain point because we weren't talking about it. But now that we have and we can, it's like some sort of sticking point has been moved out of the way. Bizarre but very healing.